saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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