Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
