I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
