Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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