My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
