he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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