I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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