I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
