So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
