I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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