I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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