I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
