apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
