Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
