His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
