On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
