bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
