So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
