i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
