It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
