so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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