mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
