reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
