I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
