Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
