I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
