I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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