Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
