Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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