I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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