why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
