you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
