No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
