Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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