OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
