I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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