capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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