Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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