goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
