I want to make a zoo with you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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