omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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