My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
