I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
