so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
