god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
