Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
