Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
