I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thus making me awesome and them whores
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We're too hungover to prance.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
