I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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