Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
